Sometimes, when things don't go your way, when unhappy stuff happen, you either kick up a fuss and then forget them, or you hide in some dark corner and cry and then forget them, or if you're a much more cheery person, you make the best out of the situation and so you forget the unhappy stuff automatically. Either way, we forget unhappy stuff, sooner of later.

So it's the matter of sooner of later.

Perhaps it's the pre-conceived idea that I must be telling you a joke a day, I can't be seen just walking on my own, minding my own business. It's not exactly what happened. I just didn't sleep enough, woke up on the wrong side of the bed, didn't feel like talking, saw things and got reminded of too many things; I wasn't exactly upset, I was just thinking.

Stop talking to me like it's incredible for me to grow a brain overnight and is actually thinking. Can't I have some sacred deep-in-thoughts moments too. (laughs)

I read it somewhere that our lives are like the probability tree. You know, the one where one step branches out to many outcomes, and a decision made upon that outcome branches out a few more outcomes and so on. So this morning when I woke up, I had a million trillion outcome. I could close my eyes, I could check my phone, I could reach out and bump my hand onto the bedframe, I could pull away my blankets, I could do anything. And so I checked my phone for the time. And it was 6.30am. At that point in time, I could freak out at the time, I could go back to sleep, I could bump my hand at the bedframe for the fun of it, I could get out of bed, and the list goes on.

Some outcomes affect the next outcome. Some don't. I could check my phone, and then bump my hand on the bedframe for fun. They are independent of one another.

But for those outcomes that affect the next outcomes, we start to fear. Because these are the decisions that make a difference, that have consequences. If I decided to go back to sleep, I'll had been late (or absent) for training. And that outcome will have another outcome, which will be receiving phone calls at 9am, which will have outcomes of me answering calls, which will have many many many outcomes of what to say, and what the person will say. And the whole conversation will be outcomes affecting outcomes because what I say depends on what the person says, vice versa.

That's why, when we do things which we know affect the next outcomes, we think twice. But if they don't really have any impact, like bumping you hand on the bedframe for fun, if you really feel like doing it, you won't think twice will you. (Bumping hand on the bedframe sounds stupid, but you get my idea.)

Anyway, that was what I've been thinking about today. And because I was kind of quiet when walking next to Marian, she asked why I'm so quiet today. So I thought being asked why I'm quiet is an outcome of being quiet. So I can choose to say a lot of things. I can try to explain to her what's on my mind, or I can say I'm tired, or I can say I'm sleepy, or I can say I'm very quiet meh and then start telling her jokes, or I can say go away, or I can continue being quiet and dao her, or I can walk away, or I can stare at her and make her think I'm angry, or I can start laughing, or crying, or I can start running, or hopping, anything.

So guess what I did. What did you think I'll do.

Like. As usual. I said I'm tired. Which wasn't a lie because I really was, after sleeping only 2 hours the night morning.

Then she asked why I was tired, did I not sleep enough. So again, there's a million things I could have said or done. But what's true was perhaps only that few.

So I told her, I only slept for two hours.

Then she asked why. And again, there's a million things I could have said or done.

I told her, I went out to play. And it was true. But I didn't elaborate on play because I didn't quite feel like it and she didn't ask what's play.

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Today I saw the huge green patch of field and gray runway. I wonder why I've never noticed it before. I think it'll be cool to lie there and count clouds like you can even count them. And then a butterfly will come and rest on my palm like it found a flower. I will count its legs and realise it has only five. Then it'll start talking, telling me it came from the clouds and there's actually only 12 clouds in the sky. I will not believe it at first, and then when I count again, there really are 12. Before I realise, it'll fly away, with its five short legs and two majestic wings. Then I'll stand up straight, reach out and catch a handful of the cloud and pluck it away like cotton candy. It burns because it's been near the Sun for so long. I'll rub the clouds between my palms and watch it disappear into thin silver strands. Then I'll go back to lying on that green patch of field, and soon I'll forget all about the butterfly and how many clouds there actually are. Then the butterfly will come back and rest on my palm. I'll be amazed again when it starts talking. I'll count the legs and this time it's still five. I'll pluck clouds like cotton candy again, and watch it disappear into silver strands, its heat warming my already warm palms. Everything will go in circles and I'll be happy because I'll forget what happened as soon as I lie down, on that green patch of field.

...

Sorry for the diatribe. Did you actually read that.

9:01:00 PM because I say so